The Cable Mobsters

Just received a fantastic piece of news in the mail today. This being my fifth bill out of five pieces of mail over the past month. (People care about me in my emails though, I swear.)

"As of October 15, 2012, an Internet Model Lease Fee will be applied to Time Warner cable provided Internet modems at a rate of $3.95 per month." 

I won't even go into the previous piece of mail, which was Time Warner hunting me down over a bill from 2007 from a completely different address.

Talk about balls. Did they learn this tactic from their HBO programming like Boardwalk Empire or The Sopranos? What a complete scam. You can just add money to a bill for "renting" a modem you're already paying for? This sounds like that stereotypical new mobster from Boardwalk Empire, Gyp Rosetti. If he sent me this letter, I'd completely understand. But, we're talking about a corporation here. Aren't corporations supposed to be honest and fair? "Oh, who's being naive now, Kay?"

This Is Very Important

I just received this email and thought I'd share it with the World. Mr. Mikail needs my help, and I'll be damned if I sit here and do nothing about it. Please read his kinds words below.

Hello

I know this message will come to you as a surprise but i want you to know that i have prayed and fast before i contacted you and
my spirit lead me to you, that you are the right person and i strongly believed it. Right now I have only about a few months to live,
according to medical experts. I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.
Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members.
so I have decided to give also to charity organizations,
I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have not got any opportunity to distribute the funds to any charity
organization and my relatives are so greedy that all they want is to keep all the funds with them.

Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. that’s why i seek for a trust worthy partner.
My family refused to help me out, they prefer using my money for personal issues, so i don’t trust them anymore,
i just need to know if i can trust you , please i don’t want you to take this for granted because i just told you about my health
as i have less than 6 months to live,. now i have big interest in giving the needy those funds,i can only give you the information
on the current status of the funds and where its deposited if only you get back to me and assure me that the funds must be used
for the purpose as i explained above. The amount involved is $10.5 million US Dollars,
i will give you 10% of the funds so let me know if you are interested, trust me i’m real i know its weird hearing all this from a stranger,
I’m just being natural and plain. Just get back to me for further direction.

Best Regards,

Mr. Mikail Kerr




Don't worry Mr. Kerr, I'm here for you.

Travolta Is Not Gay

Now there have been rumors swirling and groping allegations about my man, John Travolta, claiming the legendary actor is gay. Are you kidding me? Did you see the way he danced in Saturday Night Fever? Did you see his musical theater abilities in Grease? Hello? I mean look at the way he had so many girls as friends. Are you going to tell me that's the tendency of a gay man? Listen, I ask you to look at him in this picture from the musical Hairspray and honestly tell me that's a gay man. Go ahead. I dare you to try. Are you looking? I am. Oh, actually, wait a second....

Anna Faris is Prego With Chris Pratt

 

I'm usually not one to do the whole celebrity gossip, but from time to time I will. This particular story caught my attention because I was just speaking with the actress the other week. It appears Anna Faris and her husband, Chris Pratt, are having a baby.

When asked about having babies before this news broke Anna said,

"I don’t know if you’ve seen my husband's head. He has the head of a globe. He really has one of the biggest heads I’ve ever seen.  And I just keep thinking, oh, man, how does like a woman give birth to a baby with that genetic build."

  

Well, looks like someone's having a C-section...

Every time this plays in between my non-DVR programming -- sports -- I find my soul cringing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it just gives me the taste of pretention and someone's kid whose father is rich and famous made this. Now, I have absolutely no proof of that and didn't even bother to look up who directed this - simply my gut feeling. Perhaps intuition from days at film school, surrounded by these types of "filmmakers" on a daily basis.

I mean, what the fuck does this have to do with wanting a Heineken? What happened to the "My New Haircut" dudes that sported the beverage? Remember the pre-Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore viral video about a guido who only drinks Heineken and RedBulls? I'd rather Heineken embrace him than throw this douchey hipster bullshit in my face. One thing's for sure, they would've saved a ton on their budget. Wonder what they paid the girl to chime in with her whiny cliche, "what's hot right now" girl voice? "Sing it out loud, bla, bla, bla, kill me..."

#HopeInLin

The official New York Knick fan, Spike Lee, tweeted my image.  

The Yogi Berra

New York Yankees Hall of Fame catcher Yogi Berra, who’s famous for his zany zen-like phrases, famously once said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”  But, according to a local Montclair, New Jersey waitress, Berra is calling it quits.  “He and his wife came in for the Early Bird as usual, and Yogi looked kinda down,” said Cozy End waitress Donna Burrows. 

The eighty-three year old has recently been spotted at Yankees Stadium, as well as the YES Network, but has never shown signs of deteriorating health.  However, Berra was seen getting up to go to the bathroom at least four times, during an hour and fifteen minute meal at Cozy End.  When asked if everything was okay, Berra replied, “I’d give back half my World Series rings to be able to piss without this pain in my junk.”  In fairness to Berra, his frequent trips could have been prevented had he cut back from the three cups of coffee, and two glasses of OJ. 

“The future ain’t what it used to be.  If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.  A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore,” Berra ranted.  “My prostate feels like a beach ball, and I hate the Beach Boys,” Berra continued. 

“Even his orders were confusing,” said Donna.  “He asked for a heated cold turkey sandwich, with a side of baked French fries.”  Berra ended up finishing half the sandwich, then asked to have the whole sandwich to go.  The scene was not pretty; neither was the smell emanating from his booth.

Before leaving the diner, Berra was asked by a fan, “Whatever happened to the upbeat spirit, ‘It ain’t over till it’s over?’”  To which Yogi replied, “It’s almost over.”

The Jeter Text

I just typed Jeter in my iPhone and it auto-corrected to "heterosexual."  Is he really that much of "the man" that Apple intentionally programmed this?

Not even kidding.  Try it.

The Linsanity

I thought I'd make this to sum up what's been going on in the New York sports scene.

Hope in Lin.

Shit Shit Says

I Don't Know, Like Whatever

I don't know like, I was like, just like whatever, and I don't know like, she was like, I don't know, like...

Yes, we've all cringed inside as we've had to endure sitting next to a person who has no regard for the others on the bus, spewing out incoherent drivel that will never see the light of day in the world of articulation.

This is a short sampling of what must've been an hour tirade, indicating to me, the end of civilization.

Not a word of this is made up -- this is an actual recording of a human female aboard a public bus.

Listen with caution.

The Subway Seating Situation

One thing I skeeve more than anything is someone else's body rubbing up against mine - except my girlfriend's of course :) People, if there is a sliver of an inch between me and that obtrusive vertical bar on the subway, do not sit next to me! Why should I have to squeeze my legs together, crunching my balls, just so you can ease your fat ass onto a seat? And no, I can't leave my legs open at a comfortable man distance, because I absolutely refuse to have any part of my body rub against yours. Okay, I have failed to shower today, but at least I showered last night! I know dogs that shower more often than you.

It's bad enough I have to worry about the seat I'm sitting on, or the bar I'm touching. God knows what kinds of bodily fluids or bacteria villages live on those uncomfortable 70s orange grooved seats.

The Commissioner Talks Baseball

Hear what the nomadic Lower East Sidean has to say about America's favorite past time, and of course its relationship with money.

They're, Their, There and Your, You're

I may not have the best grammar or punctuation skills, but can we all gather around as a society and quickly lay this out for the sake of my own well being? Listen, I didn't pay attention in fifth grade English either. I couldn't wait to go home, eat a snack, crack open a soda, and watch a ten hour block of television (yes, that's what I did.) But, for the love of Oprah, can we please start using the proper forms of their, there, they're and your, you're?

Okay, just pay attention for like one minute and then you can go back to A.D.D'ing over facebook, twitter, espn, imdb, or whatever other popular site you frequent.

Here we go:

See this thing --> ' <--- that's what we call an APOSTROPHE. You're allowed to use it. Now -- “They’re” is a contraction of “they are.”

So, if you’ve written “they’re,” ask yourself whether you can substitute “they are.” If not, you’ve made a mistake.

“Their” is a possessive pronoun like “her” or “our” “They eat their pizza with pepperoni.”

Everything else is “there.”

“There goes the baseball, out of the park! See it? Right there! There aren’t very many home runs like that.”


NEXT

Remember that APOSTROPHE? You may use it again! So -- You're is a contraction of "you are." "You are going to lose the game," can become, "You're going to lose the game."

"Your" is the possessive form of you. This is your game. (Meaning you own the game.)


I'll digress because I don't want to turn this into a lame how-to blog. However, please feel free to refer to this post when writing your next facebook status complaining about your life, or telling us where in the world you currently are. If you're going to rub it in our face that you're on a beach in January -- at least use the proper forms of your/you're and there/their/they're.

Stay tuned next week for "its/it's."

The Commissioner of the Lower East Side

This friendly neighborhood fella goes by the nickname, "The Commissioner," and is a regular on the streets of the Lower East Side of Manhattan. He resides in a place that used to be predominately Jewish and Italian, but has seen an influx of various races. No matter what the topic - he has a strong opinion. You can throw political correctness out the window. The Commissioner tells it like it is and with little to no transition from topic to topic...

The Eyebrows

Did someone take a sharpie and draw a line above your eye? What is that? Aren’t eyebrows tiny hairs that grow across the top of the eye? You must be one of those real high maintenance chicks. Holy shit! You’re a guy? As one of my favorite comedians, Artie Lange says, “This whole generation is a bunch of fruits.”

Listen, I’m not saying you should grow those things out ala Martin Scorsese, but at least maintain some sort of human eyebrow consistency after a trim. I’m looking at you and I’m thinking a few things:

1) Are you a clown?
2) Which part of Jersey are you from?
3) Or maybe one of those places north east of the city…Queens, Long Island, whatever…
4) Seriously, are you a clown?
5) Were your eyebrows bothering you so much that you had to have them surgically removed and replaced with a dark black line?
6) Why am I even obsessing over this? Can you please just give me the coffee I ordered and I’ll be on my way…

I think at the very least there should be some sort of measurement guidelines as to how much eyebrow one can actually chop off. Of course nobody wants to see a unibrow – we’re not Eastern European here. But, the eyebrow should at least match up with the ends of each eyeball. Just give me that. Can we work with that? Sometimes I feel like I’m looking at hyphens over people’s eyes. Are you trying to work on your grammar? (old man joke I know.)

The moral of the story – I’m not that angry with you and your eyebrows. I just consider you inferior and a moron. No big deal. Now let me go trim my unibrow so I don’t look like an asshole.

The Charlie Sheen

If you think Charlie Sheen is a scumbag on his hit show, TWO AND A HALF MEN, then you haven’t been keeping up with his real life antics. Then again, if you’re watching TWO AND A HALF MEN, you probably don’t have the best taste in programming anyway. Okay, there’s an occasional funny joke per season. But, this guy is unreal.

Just the other day I was listening to Howard Stern, as I regularly do in order to stay alive. (Please re-sign at the end of the year or I may die!) Stern just so happened to have Denise Richards in his studio. She was being flirty, hot, and a tad slutty. But, it was all in fun and there was no mention of what she had been through the previous night. Her ex, Sheen, had tagged along for her New York City trip with the kids. He decided to check into the room across the hall from her and the kids at the Plaza Hotel. What a nice father. The kids were staying in some ridiculous,” Hey, look how wealthy we are childrens’ suite.” While Charlie prepped his, “Hey, look how much of a disaster I am suite.”

Dinner was planned at some upscale restaurant in the city that I’ll never eat at, and Charlie lovingly brought along his HOTD – hooker-of-the-day. Who the hell brings a hooker to dinner with his ex wife and kids? Well, I guess Charlie Sheen. Charlie then proceeded to go on an all night coke binge, ending up in a THE HANGOVER scenario where his naked body laid out on the Plaza Hotel floor.

CBS, can you please cancel his show ASAP? Not that I have any morals or anything, but the show that needs to be aired is the show that is Charlie Sheen’s real life. This is quality programming at its best. Why watch twenty minutes of canned laughter and hackneyed jokes, when we can watch the dude from HOT SHOTS go to dinner with a hooker, have an all night coke binge in New York City, and tear up the Plaza Hotel in a fit of rage. That’s three solid story lines, and no fake background laughter necessary.

Anyway, apparently Charlie has been missing ever since the fiasco. Maybe we should check one of those office situation comedies on NBC – doo do chi!

The Hands on the Hips

Almost every girl does this, and I only started realizing it through Facebook. Girls get together in a group photo and obnoxiously put their hands on their hips for a pose. What the hell is that? Did you all get together and decide this is going to be the one and only way girls will pose from now on. I mean I can’t even remember what photos used to look like PHOH (pre-hands-on-hips.) Although I vaguely remember a short HIP era (hands in pockets.)

So, what is it ladies? I’m not saying you don’t occasionally look good in this rigid pose. Well, some of you don’t, but that’s for other reasons. But, for some reason, it comes off a little arrogant to me. It’s almost speaking to me, “I’m so cool. I’m too good for you. Look how awesome I look now that my hands are confidently resting on my hips.”

I have one theory. Perhaps it helps with posture, giving support to the breasts and popping that ass out. Which is nice. Am I right, though? Who knows. It’s just a theory I’ve been throwing around for some time. Perhaps man will never know the answer.

Is it a conscious decision to do this? I know a lot of times I’ll take a picture of a group of girls, and then they’ll all gather around and look at it. Obviously looking to see how they individually look, rather than as a whole. Then. Oh no. I didn’t put my hands on my hips. Can we take another picture? That one didn’t come out right. Boom. The hands go right back to the hips. All is well again in HOH picture etiquette.

If there are any ladies reading this - which for God sakes I hope there’s at least one or two – can you please explain this phenomenon? Until then I will assume you are just rubbing it in our face with that insufferable pose.

The Cell Phone People

Let me begin by saying I have an iPhone and it’s amazing. I have no idea how it was made, who designed it (well Steve Jobs I guess), or how it’s capable of doing practically everything except sleep with me (though it does rest beside my bed at night.) You could sit down and explain this technology to me for the rest of my life, and I still wouldn't have a clue how I could speak to someone in L.A., while sitting on a toilet in New York. Having said that, (and yes I know this phrase is becoming annoying: see Curb episode) who gives a shit about anything else? Why is it a conversation starter to ask what type of phone I have and what service I use? I mean it’s bad enough I have to fake banter with people about the weather, but cell phone services? Come on.

Someone told me they have TMobile. My first thought was – “how do I get out of this conversation with as little dialogue as possible?” But, being the friendly guy I am, I replied with all I knew, “Oh, isn’t that the Catherine Zeta Jones one?” A conversation had officially begun, where originally there should be no business for a conversation. Just what I needed.

Not only that, it seems as though there is some sort of ranking system amongst the providers. With Verizon being some sort of powerhouse and AT&T being the Kansas City Royals of cell phone providers.

“Oh you have AT&T? I bet you get a lot of dropped calls.” Yes, I do. But, first of all, why do you give a shit? Second, that is none of your God damn business. I own an iPhone. Back the fuck off. I think the iPhone trumps all, though it’s a catch 22 having AT&T be the sole provider.

Just the other day I saw a bartender hit on an attractive young lady, by asking her what service and payment plan she has. And it seemed to work! I don’t get it. To me it’s the same thing as breaking the ice with, “What kind of car do you drive, what insurance, and how much do you pay? OK, I could see if I was in Los Angeles - that’s like asking for the time over there. But, we’re trying to live in a society here! Are we now being typecast and categorized by cell phones? Can’t we go back to categorizing people the right way? By race, wealth, and cup size?

The Tattoo People

Now I’ll just be honest – I’m not a tattoo guy. Have I seen a cool tattoo here and there? Sure. Actually, wait, no I haven’t. I’ve yet to see the significance of the tattoo. What possesses people to have ink injected into their skin, through a vibrating needle? Is it so they could justify their unemployment? Is it so they can be embarrassed when they’re elderly and no one wants to look at them? Or is it so they can fill the Jersey shoreline, reminding me which nationality and religion they are. Apparently the chain with religious symbol around the neck isn’t enough of an indicator.

I’m barely able to endure the pain of a middle of the night foot cramp. Which, by the way are absolutely unnecessary – thanks human body. I’m assuming it hurts, right? And if you’re calling me a bitch at this point, I’m not offended in the least. I’m quite comfortable avoiding objects that break the skin, and potentially lead to HIV. Alright, I’m getting carried away. It’s probably just a little pinprick and people have the right to express themselves through body art. But, is it really body art?

The sleeve is a popular tattoo design these days. This is where a person’s entire arm is covered in some sort of tattoo or design. Personally, I’m quite fine with the traditional cotton or polyester sleeve, but what do I know? Then we have the tramp stamps. Obviously the girl can’t even see her own tramp stamp, so this must be specifically for me to gawk at. Honestly, I’m impressed that you’re telling me something with the stamp, but I don’t even know what I’m looking at. Is that a Batman logo? Is it a tree branch? What am I looking at here? Call me old fashion but I’m cool with regular plain skin in the ass area. I get it. I see it. No need to draw any more attention to the region. Last I checked we’re genetically wired to pick up on those things anyway.

Next we have the Chinese letters. I live in Chinatown and I will still never understand that language. I have a better shot at re-cracking the Rosetta Stone than I do of figuring those symbols out. Pretty sure no one understands or cares what the letters stand for. Even if the phrase is in English – still don’t understand why anyone would care. “Only the Strong Survive” or “God Is on My Side”….whatever the saying is…Looks like a sign of insecurity to me. Do you really need to tell us through inked skin how much God is on your side? I suppose God was playing for another team until you got hammered and decided to have those words engraved on your chest. Good for you.

Last but not least – the tattoo on the face. If you have a tattoo on your face, I think it’s safe to say you’ve pretty much thrown in the towel on life. We’re not analyzing those tattoos on your face, we’re in awe as to why you even bothered to get out of bed this morning.