The Yogi Berra

New York Yankees Hall of Fame catcher Yogi Berra, who’s famous for his zany zen-like phrases, famously once said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”  But, according to a local Montclair, New Jersey waitress, Berra is calling it quits.  “He and his wife came in for the Early Bird as usual, and Yogi looked kinda down,” said Cozy End waitress Donna Burrows. 

The eighty-three year old has recently been spotted at Yankees Stadium, as well as the YES Network, but has never shown signs of deteriorating health.  However, Berra was seen getting up to go to the bathroom at least four times, during an hour and fifteen minute meal at Cozy End.  When asked if everything was okay, Berra replied, “I’d give back half my World Series rings to be able to piss without this pain in my junk.”  In fairness to Berra, his frequent trips could have been prevented had he cut back from the three cups of coffee, and two glasses of OJ. 

“The future ain’t what it used to be.  If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.  A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore,” Berra ranted.  “My prostate feels like a beach ball, and I hate the Beach Boys,” Berra continued. 

“Even his orders were confusing,” said Donna.  “He asked for a heated cold turkey sandwich, with a side of baked French fries.”  Berra ended up finishing half the sandwich, then asked to have the whole sandwich to go.  The scene was not pretty; neither was the smell emanating from his booth.

Before leaving the diner, Berra was asked by a fan, “Whatever happened to the upbeat spirit, ‘It ain’t over till it’s over?’”  To which Yogi replied, “It’s almost over.”

The Jeter Text

I just typed Jeter in my iPhone and it auto-corrected to "heterosexual."  Is he really that much of "the man" that Apple intentionally programmed this?

Not even kidding.  Try it.

The Commissioner Talks Baseball

Hear what the nomadic Lower East Sidean has to say about America's favorite past time, and of course its relationship with money.

Jeter Flirts With Area Female

New York Yankees captain and shortstop Derek Jeter was seen flirting with an attractive female at a trendy Manhattan bar over the weekend. The bar is located in the uprising Tribeca area, and is frequented by athletes and celebrities alike. But no one expected this.

“In the twenty years I’ve known Derek, I’ve never seen such an effort in the public spectrum. To be honest, I was a little embarrassed,” said longtime friend Frank from Hoboken, New Jersey. “Even I’ve adapted the ability to pick up his scraps without the need to exchange cordial words with the opposing woman. It’s a sad day.”

Derek is well known as a womanizer, and has been linked to numerous hot celebrities and models including: Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, and Alyssa Milano. His status as a stellar bachelor has never been in question in the past. However, after this weekend’s blatant display of public affection for what was described as a 9.5 out of ten, many Yankees fans have reasons for concern. Perhaps this could take away from the All Star’s play on the field. With the Yankees new 1.3 billion dollar stadium beginning its first year, this is the last thing fans needed to hear.

“If Jeters out there having to actually talk to hot chicks, it takes away from his concentration on the field. What’s wrong with this broad? Didn’t she know who she was talking to?” exclaimed die-hard Yankee fan, Joe Rossi. “And if Jeters gotta flirt to get some action, what hope do the rest of us have?”

In response to the heavy criticism, Jeter had this to say, “I’ve seen it done in movies and television programs, but never knew the intricacies of actually having to impress a girl with words and such. It’s given me a lot of respect for my fans, and hard working single guys around the world. I just hope I’ll never have to go through this humiliating experience again, and will be happy to return matters to the status quo – a simple wink and a nod.”

On a positive note, Jeter did reject the girl for making him speak and was seen leaving the bar with a solid ten later that night.