The Subway Seating Situation

One thing I skeeve more than anything is someone else's body rubbing up against mine - except my girlfriend's of course :) People, if there is a sliver of an inch between me and that obtrusive vertical bar on the subway, do not sit next to me! Why should I have to squeeze my legs together, crunching my balls, just so you can ease your fat ass onto a seat? And no, I can't leave my legs open at a comfortable man distance, because I absolutely refuse to have any part of my body rub against yours. Okay, I have failed to shower today, but at least I showered last night! I know dogs that shower more often than you.

It's bad enough I have to worry about the seat I'm sitting on, or the bar I'm touching. God knows what kinds of bodily fluids or bacteria villages live on those uncomfortable 70s orange grooved seats.

The Commissioner Talks Baseball

Hear what the nomadic Lower East Sidean has to say about America's favorite past time, and of course its relationship with money.

They're, Their, There and Your, You're

I may not have the best grammar or punctuation skills, but can we all gather around as a society and quickly lay this out for the sake of my own well being? Listen, I didn't pay attention in fifth grade English either. I couldn't wait to go home, eat a snack, crack open a soda, and watch a ten hour block of television (yes, that's what I did.) But, for the love of Oprah, can we please start using the proper forms of their, there, they're and your, you're?

Okay, just pay attention for like one minute and then you can go back to A.D.D'ing over facebook, twitter, espn, imdb, or whatever other popular site you frequent.

Here we go:

See this thing --> ' <--- that's what we call an APOSTROPHE. You're allowed to use it. Now -- “They’re” is a contraction of “they are.”

So, if you’ve written “they’re,” ask yourself whether you can substitute “they are.” If not, you’ve made a mistake.

“Their” is a possessive pronoun like “her” or “our” “They eat their pizza with pepperoni.”

Everything else is “there.”

“There goes the baseball, out of the park! See it? Right there! There aren’t very many home runs like that.”


NEXT

Remember that APOSTROPHE? You may use it again! So -- You're is a contraction of "you are." "You are going to lose the game," can become, "You're going to lose the game."

"Your" is the possessive form of you. This is your game. (Meaning you own the game.)


I'll digress because I don't want to turn this into a lame how-to blog. However, please feel free to refer to this post when writing your next facebook status complaining about your life, or telling us where in the world you currently are. If you're going to rub it in our face that you're on a beach in January -- at least use the proper forms of your/you're and there/their/they're.

Stay tuned next week for "its/it's."

The Commissioner of the Lower East Side

This friendly neighborhood fella goes by the nickname, "The Commissioner," and is a regular on the streets of the Lower East Side of Manhattan. He resides in a place that used to be predominately Jewish and Italian, but has seen an influx of various races. No matter what the topic - he has a strong opinion. You can throw political correctness out the window. The Commissioner tells it like it is and with little to no transition from topic to topic...

The Eyebrows

Did someone take a sharpie and draw a line above your eye? What is that? Aren’t eyebrows tiny hairs that grow across the top of the eye? You must be one of those real high maintenance chicks. Holy shit! You’re a guy? As one of my favorite comedians, Artie Lange says, “This whole generation is a bunch of fruits.”

Listen, I’m not saying you should grow those things out ala Martin Scorsese, but at least maintain some sort of human eyebrow consistency after a trim. I’m looking at you and I’m thinking a few things:

1) Are you a clown?
2) Which part of Jersey are you from?
3) Or maybe one of those places north east of the city…Queens, Long Island, whatever…
4) Seriously, are you a clown?
5) Were your eyebrows bothering you so much that you had to have them surgically removed and replaced with a dark black line?
6) Why am I even obsessing over this? Can you please just give me the coffee I ordered and I’ll be on my way…

I think at the very least there should be some sort of measurement guidelines as to how much eyebrow one can actually chop off. Of course nobody wants to see a unibrow – we’re not Eastern European here. But, the eyebrow should at least match up with the ends of each eyeball. Just give me that. Can we work with that? Sometimes I feel like I’m looking at hyphens over people’s eyes. Are you trying to work on your grammar? (old man joke I know.)

The moral of the story – I’m not that angry with you and your eyebrows. I just consider you inferior and a moron. No big deal. Now let me go trim my unibrow so I don’t look like an asshole.

The Charlie Sheen

If you think Charlie Sheen is a scumbag on his hit show, TWO AND A HALF MEN, then you haven’t been keeping up with his real life antics. Then again, if you’re watching TWO AND A HALF MEN, you probably don’t have the best taste in programming anyway. Okay, there’s an occasional funny joke per season. But, this guy is unreal.

Just the other day I was listening to Howard Stern, as I regularly do in order to stay alive. (Please re-sign at the end of the year or I may die!) Stern just so happened to have Denise Richards in his studio. She was being flirty, hot, and a tad slutty. But, it was all in fun and there was no mention of what she had been through the previous night. Her ex, Sheen, had tagged along for her New York City trip with the kids. He decided to check into the room across the hall from her and the kids at the Plaza Hotel. What a nice father. The kids were staying in some ridiculous,” Hey, look how wealthy we are childrens’ suite.” While Charlie prepped his, “Hey, look how much of a disaster I am suite.”

Dinner was planned at some upscale restaurant in the city that I’ll never eat at, and Charlie lovingly brought along his HOTD – hooker-of-the-day. Who the hell brings a hooker to dinner with his ex wife and kids? Well, I guess Charlie Sheen. Charlie then proceeded to go on an all night coke binge, ending up in a THE HANGOVER scenario where his naked body laid out on the Plaza Hotel floor.

CBS, can you please cancel his show ASAP? Not that I have any morals or anything, but the show that needs to be aired is the show that is Charlie Sheen’s real life. This is quality programming at its best. Why watch twenty minutes of canned laughter and hackneyed jokes, when we can watch the dude from HOT SHOTS go to dinner with a hooker, have an all night coke binge in New York City, and tear up the Plaza Hotel in a fit of rage. That’s three solid story lines, and no fake background laughter necessary.

Anyway, apparently Charlie has been missing ever since the fiasco. Maybe we should check one of those office situation comedies on NBC – doo do chi!

The Hands on the Hips

Almost every girl does this, and I only started realizing it through Facebook. Girls get together in a group photo and obnoxiously put their hands on their hips for a pose. What the hell is that? Did you all get together and decide this is going to be the one and only way girls will pose from now on. I mean I can’t even remember what photos used to look like PHOH (pre-hands-on-hips.) Although I vaguely remember a short HIP era (hands in pockets.)

So, what is it ladies? I’m not saying you don’t occasionally look good in this rigid pose. Well, some of you don’t, but that’s for other reasons. But, for some reason, it comes off a little arrogant to me. It’s almost speaking to me, “I’m so cool. I’m too good for you. Look how awesome I look now that my hands are confidently resting on my hips.”

I have one theory. Perhaps it helps with posture, giving support to the breasts and popping that ass out. Which is nice. Am I right, though? Who knows. It’s just a theory I’ve been throwing around for some time. Perhaps man will never know the answer.

Is it a conscious decision to do this? I know a lot of times I’ll take a picture of a group of girls, and then they’ll all gather around and look at it. Obviously looking to see how they individually look, rather than as a whole. Then. Oh no. I didn’t put my hands on my hips. Can we take another picture? That one didn’t come out right. Boom. The hands go right back to the hips. All is well again in HOH picture etiquette.

If there are any ladies reading this - which for God sakes I hope there’s at least one or two – can you please explain this phenomenon? Until then I will assume you are just rubbing it in our face with that insufferable pose.