The Charlie Sheen

If you think Charlie Sheen is a scumbag on his hit show, TWO AND A HALF MEN, then you haven’t been keeping up with his real life antics. Then again, if you’re watching TWO AND A HALF MEN, you probably don’t have the best taste in programming anyway. Okay, there’s an occasional funny joke per season. But, this guy is unreal.

Just the other day I was listening to Howard Stern, as I regularly do in order to stay alive. (Please re-sign at the end of the year or I may die!) Stern just so happened to have Denise Richards in his studio. She was being flirty, hot, and a tad slutty. But, it was all in fun and there was no mention of what she had been through the previous night. Her ex, Sheen, had tagged along for her New York City trip with the kids. He decided to check into the room across the hall from her and the kids at the Plaza Hotel. What a nice father. The kids were staying in some ridiculous,” Hey, look how wealthy we are childrens’ suite.” While Charlie prepped his, “Hey, look how much of a disaster I am suite.”

Dinner was planned at some upscale restaurant in the city that I’ll never eat at, and Charlie lovingly brought along his HOTD – hooker-of-the-day. Who the hell brings a hooker to dinner with his ex wife and kids? Well, I guess Charlie Sheen. Charlie then proceeded to go on an all night coke binge, ending up in a THE HANGOVER scenario where his naked body laid out on the Plaza Hotel floor.

CBS, can you please cancel his show ASAP? Not that I have any morals or anything, but the show that needs to be aired is the show that is Charlie Sheen’s real life. This is quality programming at its best. Why watch twenty minutes of canned laughter and hackneyed jokes, when we can watch the dude from HOT SHOTS go to dinner with a hooker, have an all night coke binge in New York City, and tear up the Plaza Hotel in a fit of rage. That’s three solid story lines, and no fake background laughter necessary.

Anyway, apparently Charlie has been missing ever since the fiasco. Maybe we should check one of those office situation comedies on NBC – doo do chi!

The Hands on the Hips

Almost every girl does this, and I only started realizing it through Facebook. Girls get together in a group photo and obnoxiously put their hands on their hips for a pose. What the hell is that? Did you all get together and decide this is going to be the one and only way girls will pose from now on. I mean I can’t even remember what photos used to look like PHOH (pre-hands-on-hips.) Although I vaguely remember a short HIP era (hands in pockets.)

So, what is it ladies? I’m not saying you don’t occasionally look good in this rigid pose. Well, some of you don’t, but that’s for other reasons. But, for some reason, it comes off a little arrogant to me. It’s almost speaking to me, “I’m so cool. I’m too good for you. Look how awesome I look now that my hands are confidently resting on my hips.”

I have one theory. Perhaps it helps with posture, giving support to the breasts and popping that ass out. Which is nice. Am I right, though? Who knows. It’s just a theory I’ve been throwing around for some time. Perhaps man will never know the answer.

Is it a conscious decision to do this? I know a lot of times I’ll take a picture of a group of girls, and then they’ll all gather around and look at it. Obviously looking to see how they individually look, rather than as a whole. Then. Oh no. I didn’t put my hands on my hips. Can we take another picture? That one didn’t come out right. Boom. The hands go right back to the hips. All is well again in HOH picture etiquette.

If there are any ladies reading this - which for God sakes I hope there’s at least one or two – can you please explain this phenomenon? Until then I will assume you are just rubbing it in our face with that insufferable pose.

The Cell Phone People

Let me begin by saying I have an iPhone and it’s amazing. I have no idea how it was made, who designed it (well Steve Jobs I guess), or how it’s capable of doing practically everything except sleep with me (though it does rest beside my bed at night.) You could sit down and explain this technology to me for the rest of my life, and I still wouldn't have a clue how I could speak to someone in L.A., while sitting on a toilet in New York. Having said that, (and yes I know this phrase is becoming annoying: see Curb episode) who gives a shit about anything else? Why is it a conversation starter to ask what type of phone I have and what service I use? I mean it’s bad enough I have to fake banter with people about the weather, but cell phone services? Come on.

Someone told me they have TMobile. My first thought was – “how do I get out of this conversation with as little dialogue as possible?” But, being the friendly guy I am, I replied with all I knew, “Oh, isn’t that the Catherine Zeta Jones one?” A conversation had officially begun, where originally there should be no business for a conversation. Just what I needed.

Not only that, it seems as though there is some sort of ranking system amongst the providers. With Verizon being some sort of powerhouse and AT&T being the Kansas City Royals of cell phone providers.

“Oh you have AT&T? I bet you get a lot of dropped calls.” Yes, I do. But, first of all, why do you give a shit? Second, that is none of your God damn business. I own an iPhone. Back the fuck off. I think the iPhone trumps all, though it’s a catch 22 having AT&T be the sole provider.

Just the other day I saw a bartender hit on an attractive young lady, by asking her what service and payment plan she has. And it seemed to work! I don’t get it. To me it’s the same thing as breaking the ice with, “What kind of car do you drive, what insurance, and how much do you pay? OK, I could see if I was in Los Angeles - that’s like asking for the time over there. But, we’re trying to live in a society here! Are we now being typecast and categorized by cell phones? Can’t we go back to categorizing people the right way? By race, wealth, and cup size?