Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Cable Mobsters

Just received a fantastic piece of news in the mail today. This being my fifth bill out of five pieces of mail over the past month. (People care about me in my emails though, I swear.)

"As of October 15, 2012, an Internet Model Lease Fee will be applied to Time Warner cable provided Internet modems at a rate of $3.95 per month." 

I won't even go into the previous piece of mail, which was Time Warner hunting me down over a bill from 2007 from a completely different address.

Talk about balls. Did they learn this tactic from their HBO programming like Boardwalk Empire or The Sopranos? What a complete scam. You can just add money to a bill for "renting" a modem you're already paying for? This sounds like that stereotypical new mobster from Boardwalk Empire, Gyp Rosetti. If he sent me this letter, I'd completely understand. But, we're talking about a corporation here. Aren't corporations supposed to be honest and fair? "Oh, who's being naive now, Kay?"

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

This Is Very Important

I just received this email and thought I'd share it with the World. Mr. Mikail needs my help, and I'll be damned if I sit here and do nothing about it. Please read his kinds words below.


I know this message will come to you as a surprise but i want you to know that i have prayed and fast before i contacted you and
my spirit lead me to you, that you are the right person and i strongly believed it. Right now I have only about a few months to live,
according to medical experts. I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.
Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members.
so I have decided to give also to charity organizations,
I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have not got any opportunity to distribute the funds to any charity
organization and my relatives are so greedy that all they want is to keep all the funds with them.

Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. that’s why i seek for a trust worthy partner.
My family refused to help me out, they prefer using my money for personal issues, so i don’t trust them anymore,
i just need to know if i can trust you , please i don’t want you to take this for granted because i just told you about my health
as i have less than 6 months to live,. now i have big interest in giving the needy those funds,i can only give you the information
on the current status of the funds and where its deposited if only you get back to me and assure me that the funds must be used
for the purpose as i explained above. The amount involved is $10.5 million US Dollars,
i will give you 10% of the funds so let me know if you are interested, trust me i’m real i know its weird hearing all this from a stranger,
I’m just being natural and plain. Just get back to me for further direction.

Best Regards,

Mr. Mikail Kerr

Don't worry Mr. Kerr, I'm here for you.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Travolta Is Not Gay

Now there have been rumors swirling and groping allegations about my man, John Travolta, claiming the legendary actor is gay. Are you kidding me? Did you see the way he danced in Saturday Night Fever? Did you see his musical theater abilities in Grease? Hello? I mean look at the way he had so many girls as friends. Are you going to tell me that's the tendency of a gay man? Listen, I ask you to look at him in this picture from the musical Hairspray and honestly tell me that's a gay man. Go ahead. I dare you to try. Are you looking? I am. Oh, actually, wait a second....

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Anna Faris is Prego With Chris Pratt


I'm usually not one to do the whole celebrity gossip, but from time to time I will. This particular story caught my attention because I was just speaking with the actress the other week. It appears Anna Faris and her husband, Chris Pratt, are having a baby.
When asked about having babies before this news broke Anna said,

"I don’t know if you’ve seen my husband's head. He has the head of a globe. He really has one of the biggest heads I’ve ever seen.  And I just keep thinking, oh, man, how does like a woman give birth to a baby with that genetic build."
Well, looks like someone's having a C-section...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Every time this plays in between my non-DVR programming -- sports -- I find my soul cringing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it just gives me the taste of pretention and someone's kid whose father is rich and famous made this. Now, I have absolutely no proof of that and didn't even bother to look up who directed this - simply my gut feeling. Perhaps intuition from days at film school, surrounded by these types of "filmmakers" on a daily basis.

I mean, what the fuck does this have to do with wanting a Heineken? What happened to the "My New Haircut" dudes that sported the beverage? Remember the pre-Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore viral video about a guido who only drinks Heineken and RedBulls? I'd rather Heineken embrace him than throw this douchey hipster bullshit in my face. One thing's for sure, they would've saved a ton on their budget. Wonder what they paid the girl to chime in with her whiny cliche, "what's hot right now" girl voice? "Sing it out loud, bla, bla, bla, kill me..."

Friday, February 17, 2012

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Yogi Berra

New York Yankees Hall of Fame catcher Yogi Berra, who’s famous for his zany zen-like phrases, famously once said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”  But, according to a local Montclair, New Jersey waitress, Berra is calling it quits.  “He and his wife came in for the Early Bird as usual, and Yogi looked kinda down,” said Cozy End waitress Donna Burrows. 

The eighty-three year old has recently been spotted at Yankees Stadium, as well as the YES Network, but has never shown signs of deteriorating health.  However, Berra was seen getting up to go to the bathroom at least four times, during an hour and fifteen minute meal at Cozy End.  When asked if everything was okay, Berra replied, “I’d give back half my World Series rings to be able to piss without this pain in my junk.”  In fairness to Berra, his frequent trips could have been prevented had he cut back from the three cups of coffee, and two glasses of OJ. 

“The future ain’t what it used to be.  If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.  A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore,” Berra ranted.  “My prostate feels like a beach ball, and I hate the Beach Boys,” Berra continued. 

“Even his orders were confusing,” said Donna.  “He asked for a heated cold turkey sandwich, with a side of baked French fries.”  Berra ended up finishing half the sandwich, then asked to have the whole sandwich to go.  The scene was not pretty; neither was the smell emanating from his booth.

Before leaving the diner, Berra was asked by a fan, “Whatever happened to the upbeat spirit, ‘It ain’t over till it’s over?’”  To which Yogi replied, “It’s almost over.”