Sunday, August 31, 2008

Regular Guy Tries For Girl Out of League

NEW YORK – During the wee hours of the night this past Saturday, Lower East Side bar hopper, Thomas Finkle (25) ended up getting a sympathy number from a very attractive girl – whom we only know as Kim (23.) When reached for comment, Finkle said, “I just got a vibe she was digging me, and asked for the number.” Kim gave him a 201 area code, which verified her North Jersey background after a simple Google search. However, it should be noted that Finkle was seen talking to Kim for a mere nine minutes, in what was described as, “typical banter.”

“No way man. It was at least a half hour,” responded Finkle after stumbling out of the LES bar with a grin from ear to ear. Finkle’s state of obvious inebriation was the result of numerous unknown dark ales, as well as a Jolly Rancher shot – which was purchased during the nine-minute interaction with Kim.

It was around 2:46 AM that Finkle was able to establish contact with Kim. “I broke the ice by asking, whatever happened to DMX?” In Finkle’s defense, the outdated DMX song, “What’s My Name,” was playing on the computerized jukebox. Kim was seen giggling from the somewhat comical observation. She gave the average looking Finkle a shot to move in on her clique of friends – which consisted of two less attractive women.

“To be honest, I don’t remember exactly what we talked about. I was a little wasted.” Also, Finkle’s friends had left the bar to check out a near by diner on 2nd Ave. “I just wanted to make sure I locked up the number, and my friends couldn’t wait. They’re such d-bags.”

Finkle woke up Sunday at around 4:11PM, and decided to devote most of the day to recovery and Food Network programming. “I was really looking forward to the Iron Chef that night.” That night’s Iron Chef involved Finkle’s favorite chef, Bobby Flay. The secret ingredient was melons. His champ Flay ended up losing.

Finkle did spend his entire Monday crafting the perfect text, in order to yield a positive response from Kim. “I didn’t want to go too aggressive, but I wanted to try and set something up for the week.” Finkle spent hours trying to figure out the perfect text. He made sure to abbreviate each of his words, and use “…” when necessary. “I wanted to tie in the DMX reference with a possible second meeting.” After countless hours of debating, and advice from friends, Finkle crafted what he considers the perfect text. “Hey we shld get 2gether this week…I know a good drinks spot – altho might not play DMX…”

As of today, Finkle has not received a response.

Overprotective Mom Goes Public

NEW YORK – FRIDAY - An Overly protective mom brought her abhorrent antics to an Upper East Side Starbucks coffee shop earlier this afternoon. She was first noticed after enthusiastically asking her toddler if he would like to wash his hands. The toddler was reluctant to wash his hands. As a result, the mother needed to approach the subject in an alternate manner. “Want to wash your hands in the bubbles? Mommy brought your bubbles with her.” This was enough to put her child over the edge, and the hand washing began.

Upon her return, the mother pulled neatly cut up pieces of what appeared to be Rotisserie chicken out of a Tupperware container. The toddler started grabbing pieces of the chicken, and helping himself to a nutritious meal. “You can’t eat the chicken. It’s too big!” said the mother. Unsure of what to do (and on the verge of panic) the over protective mother snapped into action, and pulled pieces of chicken out of the toddler’s mouth. But, the biggest food threat had yet to come.

The young boy reached into a tidy Ziploc bag, and pulled out a grape to munch on. “Don’t eat grapes!” cried the mother. Considering two healthy items were pulled away from the child, it is inconclusive as to what exactly his diet is. Perhaps he is allergic to food. Nevertheless, the second snack rejection sent the boy into a tizzy. There was only one way out of this debacle.

It was around 4:32P.M. when the mother started singing that familiar tune that makes those of us without children cringe. “Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…” sang the mother. It should be noted that her rendition of the excruciating song was out of tone, and her pitch was way off. However, she did synchronize the words of the songs with the pointing of the appropriate body parts. This sent the child into an immediate trance, which can only be described as peculiar and disturbing. The song proceeded to last for an excessive six and a half minutes.

It should also be noted, that around this time other former overprotective mothers, whose children have left them for better lives, were seen reminiscing about their past occupations of stifling their children in humiliating and mentally unhealthy ways.