Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lifetime Network Picks Up NHL Games

This past Monday at NHL headquarters in New York City, the NHL and the Lifetime network came to a contractual agreement on NHL games. After a gradual decline in television ratings over the past decade, the NHL decided it needed to look elsewhere for national cable broadcasts. Lifetime will now be airing Wednesday Night National Hockey, hosted by Today Show’s Meredith Vieira. “We felt like we needed to make drastic marketing changes to the struggling sport,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “We’ve heard that women tend to find most of the players in the league rather attractive, and thought this would be the best route to go.”

The NHL will continue to air some programming on the Versus network, which is usually located somewhere in the 100s on typical cable boxes. Some cable boxes, like Comcast, are fortunate to have the channel in the high 70s. Nevertheless, these newer cable outlets are a far cry from major networks of the past, like NBC and ESPN’s National Hockey Night with Gary Thorne. “At first I was confused when asked to host the program but, after watching a few games, I noticed the strong similarities to the violence on the ice and the everyday emotions of living with menopause,” said Wednesday Night National Hockey host Meredith Vieira.

Women are now drawing many similarities between the NHL and typical Lifetime programming. “The black ball being forced into the net while the player was in the crease reminded me of Sunday Night’s special, "He Came From The South,” said Wisconsin housewife Norma James. The show’s premise was about an interracial date rape victim played by the "Clueless" star Stacey Dash, who was poorly tried by a racist jury.

“We’re proud to host these electrifying NHL games, and bring something new, attractive, and sometimes romantic to our Lifetime Programming,” exclaimed Lifetime CEO Andrea Wong. Apparently the romantic aspect Wong was referring to came after Penguins’ star Evgeni Malkin scored, when he kissed teammate Miroslav Satan on the lips.

A national poll showed fairly strong reviews from viewers, after Wednesday’s National Hockey Night broadcast. However, it should be noted that black women just didn’t get it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Jeter Flirts With Area Female

New York Yankees captain and shortstop Derek Jeter was seen flirting with an attractive female at a trendy Manhattan bar over the weekend. The bar is located in the uprising Tribeca area, and is frequented by athletes and celebrities alike. But no one expected this.

“In the twenty years I’ve known Derek, I’ve never seen such an effort in the public spectrum. To be honest, I was a little embarrassed,” said longtime friend Frank from Hoboken, New Jersey. “Even I’ve adapted the ability to pick up his scraps without the need to exchange cordial words with the opposing woman. It’s a sad day.”

Derek is well known as a womanizer, and has been linked to numerous hot celebrities and models including: Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, and Alyssa Milano. His status as a stellar bachelor has never been in question in the past. However, after this weekend’s blatant display of public affection for what was described as a 9.5 out of ten, many Yankees fans have reasons for concern. Perhaps this could take away from the All Star’s play on the field. With the Yankees new 1.3 billion dollar stadium beginning its first year, this is the last thing fans needed to hear.

“If Jeters out there having to actually talk to hot chicks, it takes away from his concentration on the field. What’s wrong with this broad? Didn’t she know who she was talking to?” exclaimed die-hard Yankee fan, Joe Rossi. “And if Jeters gotta flirt to get some action, what hope do the rest of us have?”

In response to the heavy criticism, Jeter had this to say, “I’ve seen it done in movies and television programs, but never knew the intricacies of actually having to impress a girl with words and such. It’s given me a lot of respect for my fans, and hard working single guys around the world. I just hope I’ll never have to go through this humiliating experience again, and will be happy to return matters to the status quo – a simple wink and a nod.”

On a positive note, Jeter did reject the girl for making him speak and was seen leaving the bar with a solid ten later that night.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Arod Finally Gets Hit Single in October

After receiving countless “Bronx boos,” and criticism in the press, Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez finally drops a single in October. Arod, 2007’s AL MVP, has been known to choke under pressure - specifically in crucial October playoff games. “He can never come up with a hit in October. It’s that simple,” says loyal long-time New York fan and Queens native James Fratto.

Arod’s single has been on the radio stations for over a week now, and is properly titled, “Mo Money, No Problems.” Also on the track is the once again popular rapper Lil’ Wayne, who has been a resurging artist in the Hip-Hop community. “I don’t like to disappoint my investors,” Arod said in reference to the countless Yankee fans that fund his astronomical salary. “I decided to collaborate with hit producer Timbaland, and finally generate a hit in October. I hope this puts an end to the criticism that has tarnished my career for the past decade,” Arod said. As of now, Arod’s single has yet to turn into a hit.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Regular Guy Tries For Girl Out of League

NEW YORK – During the wee hours of the night this past Saturday, Lower East Side bar hopper, Thomas Finkle (25) ended up getting a sympathy number from a very attractive girl – whom we only know as Kim (23.) When reached for comment, Finkle said, “I just got a vibe she was digging me, and asked for the number.” Kim gave him a 201 area code, which verified her North Jersey background after a simple Google search. However, it should be noted that Finkle was seen talking to Kim for a mere nine minutes, in what was described as, “typical banter.”

“No way man. It was at least a half hour,” responded Finkle after stumbling out of the LES bar with a grin from ear to ear. Finkle’s state of obvious inebriation was the result of numerous unknown dark ales, as well as a Jolly Rancher shot – which was purchased during the nine-minute interaction with Kim.

It was around 2:46 AM that Finkle was able to establish contact with Kim. “I broke the ice by asking, whatever happened to DMX?” In Finkle’s defense, the outdated DMX song, “What’s My Name,” was playing on the computerized jukebox. Kim was seen giggling from the somewhat comical observation. She gave the average looking Finkle a shot to move in on her clique of friends – which consisted of two less attractive women.

“To be honest, I don’t remember exactly what we talked about. I was a little wasted.” Also, Finkle’s friends had left the bar to check out a near by diner on 2nd Ave. “I just wanted to make sure I locked up the number, and my friends couldn’t wait. They’re such d-bags.”

Finkle woke up Sunday at around 4:11PM, and decided to devote most of the day to recovery and Food Network programming. “I was really looking forward to the Iron Chef that night.” That night’s Iron Chef involved Finkle’s favorite chef, Bobby Flay. The secret ingredient was melons. His champ Flay ended up losing.

Finkle did spend his entire Monday crafting the perfect text, in order to yield a positive response from Kim. “I didn’t want to go too aggressive, but I wanted to try and set something up for the week.” Finkle spent hours trying to figure out the perfect text. He made sure to abbreviate each of his words, and use “…” when necessary. “I wanted to tie in the DMX reference with a possible second meeting.” After countless hours of debating, and advice from friends, Finkle crafted what he considers the perfect text. “Hey we shld get 2gether this week…I know a good drinks spot – altho might not play DMX…”

As of today, Finkle has not received a response.

Overprotective Mom Goes Public

NEW YORK – FRIDAY - An Overly protective mom brought her abhorrent antics to an Upper East Side Starbucks coffee shop earlier this afternoon. She was first noticed after enthusiastically asking her toddler if he would like to wash his hands. The toddler was reluctant to wash his hands. As a result, the mother needed to approach the subject in an alternate manner. “Want to wash your hands in the bubbles? Mommy brought your bubbles with her.” This was enough to put her child over the edge, and the hand washing began.

Upon her return, the mother pulled neatly cut up pieces of what appeared to be Rotisserie chicken out of a Tupperware container. The toddler started grabbing pieces of the chicken, and helping himself to a nutritious meal. “You can’t eat the chicken. It’s too big!” said the mother. Unsure of what to do (and on the verge of panic) the over protective mother snapped into action, and pulled pieces of chicken out of the toddler’s mouth. But, the biggest food threat had yet to come.

The young boy reached into a tidy Ziploc bag, and pulled out a grape to munch on. “Don’t eat grapes!” cried the mother. Considering two healthy items were pulled away from the child, it is inconclusive as to what exactly his diet is. Perhaps he is allergic to food. Nevertheless, the second snack rejection sent the boy into a tizzy. There was only one way out of this debacle.

It was around 4:32P.M. when the mother started singing that familiar tune that makes those of us without children cringe. “Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…” sang the mother. It should be noted that her rendition of the excruciating song was out of tone, and her pitch was way off. However, she did synchronize the words of the songs with the pointing of the appropriate body parts. This sent the child into an immediate trance, which can only be described as peculiar and disturbing. The song proceeded to last for an excessive six and a half minutes.

It should also be noted, that around this time other former overprotective mothers, whose children have left them for better lives, were seen reminiscing about their past occupations of stifling their children in humiliating and mentally unhealthy ways.