Lifetime Network Picks Up NHL Games

This past Monday at NHL headquarters in New York City, the NHL and the Lifetime network came to a contractual agreement on NHL games. After a gradual decline in television ratings over the past decade, the NHL decided it needed to look elsewhere for national cable broadcasts. Lifetime will now be airing Wednesday Night National Hockey, hosted by Today Show’s Meredith Vieira. “We felt like we needed to make drastic marketing changes to the struggling sport,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “We’ve heard that women tend to find most of the players in the league rather attractive, and thought this would be the best route to go.”

The NHL will continue to air some programming on the Versus network, which is usually located somewhere in the 100s on typical cable boxes. Some cable boxes, like Comcast, are fortunate to have the channel in the high 70s. Nevertheless, these newer cable outlets are a far cry from major networks of the past, like NBC and ESPN’s National Hockey Night with Gary Thorne. “At first I was confused when asked to host the program but, after watching a few games, I noticed the strong similarities to the violence on the ice and the everyday emotions of living with menopause,” said Wednesday Night National Hockey host Meredith Vieira.

Women are now drawing many similarities between the NHL and typical Lifetime programming. “The black ball being forced into the net while the player was in the crease reminded me of Sunday Night’s special, "He Came From The South,” said Wisconsin housewife Norma James. The show’s premise was about an interracial date rape victim played by the "Clueless" star Stacey Dash, who was poorly tried by a racist jury.

“We’re proud to host these electrifying NHL games, and bring something new, attractive, and sometimes romantic to our Lifetime Programming,” exclaimed Lifetime CEO Andrea Wong. Apparently the romantic aspect Wong was referring to came after Penguins’ star Evgeni Malkin scored, when he kissed teammate Miroslav Satan on the lips.

A national poll showed fairly strong reviews from viewers, after Wednesday’s National Hockey Night broadcast. However, it should be noted that black women just didn’t get it.