Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Pretentious Hipster

Did you shower today, sir? Your hair is greasy and your clothes are worn. That’s not to say you’re poor and you can’t afford clean clothes. It’s almost as if you deliberately bought those clothes at a vintage shop, just so you could have that look. Come to think of it, I’ve seen that shirt at a nearby boutique. It’s at least $70. Those sneakers you’re wearing, at least $100. Why you’re not poor at all. Aren’t you from the Upper East, with the wealthy? Wait just one minute. You’re a pretentious hipster.

They come from all over. Probably rejected in their hometown, they usually find solace somewhere in and around the city. Just like any trend, group, or cult, there are degrees of hipster. If you’ve ever been to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, it’s like you died and went to hipster hell. Like wolves they tend to travel in packs. Don’t ask me how they slipped into those jeans, or why the jeans get ever so tight around the ankles. Maybe they don’t have ankles? I’m not sure.

These are the guys who you didn’t want on your team in gym class. Don’t pass it to Timmy; he’ll turn it over. Oh great, there are two outs and Timmy is up. Can somebody grab my glove now so I can start heading onto the field? Like clockwork…strike three, you’re out! Back to the field. Thanks Timmy, at least you’re consistent in sucking.

Alright, I’m being cruel and unfair. Not everybody has to be good at sports. Take Einstein for example. He sucked at sports. I heard he couldn’t even hit a ball off the tee. Even Timmy would hit a dribbler in tee ball. But, Einstein came up with that equation and that theory. What was it called again? Oh right….Relativity!

Timmy and the other hipsters are just smoking cigarettes while I’m trying to walk to Houston St. via Ludlow. What is it about Ludlow that attracts all the hipsters? I think there’s a café and bar all in one. I know what else is around here. An American Apparel. This store has totally branded the hipster look, and sets the bar for what a hipster should look like. If you’re new to the game, and not sure how to get your foot in the door – shop here. American Apparel allows you to ease your way into the ways of a hipster. It’s like when Yoda first starts teaching the force to Luke – except with hipsters and what to wear. OK, not a great example. I’m not trying to plug the store or anything, (although I would for the right price) but I really commend you for making $1 t-shirts into $50 t-shirts by exploiting the naiveté of the common hipster. Bravo! By the way, I do like the women you choose in your ads. Simple, yet still attractive.

If there’s anything a hipster likes more than cigarettes, it’s café coffee. Ah yes, nothing like overpriced organic coffee served up by a fellow hipster with a purple scrunchie. Come to think of it, I’m surrounded by hipsters as I write. Plus, I’m drinking their coffee. Why am I getting the impression that they can read my thoughts? Are you looking at my screen right now? I hope they didn’t slip anything in here. Is this foam or…You aren’t like vampires or werewolves, are you? I mean you’re not going to bite me and turn me into one of you, will you? At the moment, I can’t really afford high priced t-shirts with ironic sayings. I’m not a big indie punk guy either. Can you hold off any attacks until my next paycheck? Don’t look at me with those Kanye West 80s sunglasses. I can’t tell if you’re mocking me or not.

I think I have you pegged. You cover up your own insecurities and mediocrity with the false notion that you are better than us. You try too hard to make yourself look “hip,” in the face of others. I don’t fault you for being different, hipster. I fault you for trying to be different. See? There is a difference. You and I aren’t so different. I hope I didn’t confuse you by using the word “different” so many times.

Perhaps we can work together someday. I see the potential in you. Let this be a lesson, not a scolding. This organic coffee isn’t so bad after all. I think I’ll have another cup Purple Scrunchie Barista. Say, are you from around here? You’re actually kind of cute. Did you get that from American Apparel?

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