Monday, August 17, 2009

The Really Really Foreign Dude

His country of origin is just as indistinguishable as the brand of his cologne. If that is considered cologne. The gaudiness is overwhelming and I’m positive that’s only one eyebrow. Is that a mole on his face or some kind of…eh, it’s a mole. Let’s not get carried away. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say at least five of the ten pieces of jewelry that garnish his body are real. That third necklace is totally fake though. On second thought, from the chest hair being shown by the neglect of fastening the fourth button, I’m going to say he’s quarter Grizzly Bear.

It’s so humid out and this block is jammed with shoppers. Judging by the perspiration under Gaudi’s armpits, he’s going to duck into that Armani Exchange nearby. What the hell, I’ll follow.

Hello, guy who stands by the door and gets paid to greet people. Say, how can I go about acquiring this position? I need to what? Never mind, I’ll stick to following around foreigners and writing their daily habits in great detail. Oh of course, I’ll give you a shout if I need any help. Although, correct me if I’m wrong, wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just walk over and speak in a normal tone? I have a feeling if I shouted at you, people may think I’m crazy. Then again, I am crazy for walking into this store in the first place. So, perhaps I’ll fit right in.

Where did he go? He blends right in. It’s like finding the one Korean person in Chinatown. I wonder how Eugene is doing by the way. I’ll have to give him a call later. Anyway, I may have lost Johhny Gaudi. That’s the nickname I just came up with. What would Gaudi be looking for in a place like this? First of all, what the hell do they sell here? Is there any article of clothing that doesn’t have the Armani logo slapped on it? Does everyone in here have eighth grade syndrome? Hey, look at my shirt. I bought it at Armani, and hence I am cool and fit in with everyone else. Please don’t make fun of my acne, braces, and/or glasses.

I bet he’s looking for one of those skin tight T-shirts. The kind that might as well be painted on. I’ll have to give the doorman a shout.

“Excuse me doorman dude! Where are your really tight T-shirts!!?? No, not those. The really really really tight ones! Oh, I thought you literally wanted me to shout at you. No, I’m not crazy. I’m sorry. Next time I will lower my voice. Sorry everyone.”

There he is! Woops, now I’m shouting in my head. Damn you doorman and your words with double meanings. Tight jeans section. I was close. Let me play it cool so I don’t look like I’m following him. Why would anybody want to wear these jeans? I suppose if they’re deliberately trying not to impregnate someone, for eternity. I’m all about waiting to have children, but I’m pretty sure there are easier ways to go about that. Then again the mentality here is eighth grade. I think that’s been firmly established. They’ll find out about the birds and the bees soon enough. What an awful video they’re in for.

How can Gaudi afford all of this? I wonder if he owns this place. At least that would justify the ten articles of clothes he’s carrying with him. No, he can’t own this place. Oil money? Bailout money? Wait a second. Is this the guy who invented Velcro? I always wanted to meet him. Velcro – what a cool name. Oh shit, here he comes.

Who is this Corey Hart? You do realize you’re indoors now. You can take your sunglasses off. I’m sorry, what did you say? Do I know where what is? I can’t understand this guy. I don’t even know what accent this is. I pride myself on picking up accents. This is like a combination of French, Israeli, and…Long Island? Fuck! I can’t even narrow down the continent! Here I go with the shouting again. OK, let’s just calm down here. I know I can crack this.

Oh! You want to know where the Meatpacking district is? I wouldn’t go there. You’ll have to wait in line forever. Plus, you’re going to need at least three girls per guy to get in. You have your own table you say? How many girls?! No, I wasn’t shouting. I’d love to help you find the place. Was I outside following you earlier? No, wasn’t me. We all look the same. We? You know, we as in…New Yorkers? You’re going right from here. Yes, I’d love to join you – sounds like a good time. You don’t think I should wear this outfit? Well, I wouldn’t exactly call this an outfit. It’s just something I threw together…No, you don’t have to buy me anything. Well, that tight blue t-shirt with all the shiny logos on it does look pretty cool. You like it too? These jeans would fit really snug on me too. Why don’t you throw these in as well. Do you own this place or something? You didn’t invent Velcro did you? It’s the stuff that sticks together….ah never mind. Let me find a belt with the Armani logo as a buckle. That’ll look real hot for tonight.

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