The Cock Block

Could this girl be even hotter than the last? She’s looking at me right now – giving me the eye. Not the lazy eye, or the “fuck off” eye either. The signs are all aligned, like 2012. It’s like a slow motion movie scene. Either that or I’m starting to feel slightly buzzed from the whiskey. A sly tap on my friend’s shoulder, with a nod in her direction will allow for friendly reassurance. What do you think? I know, right? Awesome. I need to walk over with a drink in my hand. It’s always good to carry a prop, especially one with beer in it.

“Hey!” yelled the slightly inebriated girl with no particularly great attributes.

“Hi?”

Listen, you seem like a very nice person, but you’re jamming my radar.

“What’s up, I’m Jenny.”

Very nice to meet you. Again, if you could just step out of the way so I can keep an eye on my…shit! Where did she go? I’m not talking to this girl! She’s talking to me! Where is she? Somebody needs to take over this.

“How’s it going?” I say, without a look into her eyes.

“What are you drinking?” she asks as I take a deep chug from my Amstel Light.

“Vodka.”

“You’re funny. How old are you?”

“How old are you?”

“Guess,” she says, with a heavy dose of flirtation.

Honestly she looks anywhere from thirty to forty. So, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

“Twenty-seven,” I lied.

“Ew, you’re so mean.”

Great, then get the hell out of my way so I can find that girl.

“I’m twenty four!”

“Close.”

“You’re so sarcastic. I love that.”

Jesus Christ, are you serious?

Jesus Christ: "I thought you’d like her."
Me: "No!"
Jesus Christ: "My mistake. See ya in hell."
Me: "Thanks Jesus!"

And he’s gone. Sorry about that. Now, where was I? Oh right, I’m sarcastic. Yes, thanks. I get it.

“Are those Chuck Taylors?”

They clearly are. What is she driving at now?
“Yea.”

“I once had sex with a guy just because he was wearing Chuck Taylors.”

The platter is served. But it’s more like an Applebees entrée, rather than a preferred porterhouse or lobster. Does this come with free dessert? Oh, stop it! You don’t want this. She is way too attainable. There’s nothing wrong with her though. Why does she want to throw herself at me like this? Must be a recent break up. I’m the rebound. I will rebound for no one. Well, unless the N.B.A. was thinking of recruiting five foot ten white guys without any athletic build and a sore shoulder. I could probably rebound for the Knicks or something. But, I will not be her rebound.

“That’s crazy. Did you see my friend?” I responded.

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

Don’t make me feel bad. I’m a very caring person. That’s not right. Did you just brush my crouch with your hip? That was pretty cool. Why did you have to come off so easy? That’s disgusting. I mean clearly there’s something wrong with you.

“I’m not trying to get rid of you.”

Where the hell is my friend? There he is! Get over here.

“Jenny, this is Adam.”

There you go. Talk to Adam. That’ll get you off my back. Now, where did that prize go? She must be around here somewhere. Maybe if I continue to talk to Adam and Jenny, make it look like I’m enjoying myself, the hot girl will get jealous.

“So tell Adam what you were saying…”

Jenny? It’s me. The one you were throwing yourself at two seconds ago. Adam, I introduced her to you to say hello. I didn’t tell you to block me out of the conversation. She likes me, not you! At least bring me back into the group so I look important and fun again. Quickly, here she comes. She’s back! She’s looking at me again.

“Jenny?”

Shit! She saw you ignoring me. How do I get out of this situation? Now she thinks I’m a loser, who is here all alone.
Don’t look away. Didn’t you see that I was talking to a girl earlier? She totally wants to sleep with me. That’s my friend Adam. He means nothing to her.

“So, Jenny do you want to get out of here?”

“OK!”

Shit! What the hell was that? I don’t want you. I want her. Adam, talk to her again.

“Actually, I may get another drink.”

“I really want to go though.”

God she is so desperate.

“I’ll walk you home.” Adam interrupted.

“OK!” said Jenny.

Wait a second. Where are you guys going? I can’t stand here alone, and Adam you know I like Jenny. How could you not tell? How did I just go from slam-dunk to the third wheel? Oh, you guys are sharing a cab uptown? That is so not right. You know I live downtown. Yea, yea – have fun you two. I set that up you know. You owe me big, Adam! Jesus, I totally want to sleep with Jenny.

Jesus Christ: “I told you. Now you’re fucked.”
Me: “Yes, thanks God.”
Jesus Christ: “Its just Jesus.”