Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Old Ladies Meeting At Coffee Shop

While stepping away from their daily block of Judge Judy, Oprah, and Bridge games, the Sexless and the City meet up to discuss their alcoholic daughter-in-law and the extravagantly overpriced coffee they’re sipping. It’s an exclusive club. The qualifications? Have a grandson to brag about, be skilled in the art of gossip, and awful with technology. The players? Old ladies. Why no, I’m not using this chair. You may borrow it. You’re quite welcome. Aren’t they so cute?

Their styles are as stubborn as their attitude toward abortion. I wonder when was the last time they got laid. Oh God, why did I put that image in my head? Megan Fox. Megan Fox. OK, I’m better. It must be nice to just sit at a cafĂ© on a Wednesday afternoon. Shouldn’t you be sewing or making people wait extra longer in the grocery line while you count out your change to the exact penny? I shouldn’t be mean. I wonder if they’ll let me join in on their gossip. One of them is looking at me right now. I hope they’re not talking about me already.

Hold the presses, Janette’s niece is in the school play, Shrek. I hope she isn’t the lead. It’s this Friday at eight o’clock if anyone’s interested. She’s really talented. You should hear her sing. She got that from Janette’s side of the family. Her father isn’t very talented. He’s more of a pushover. I don’t even know why Janette’s daughter married him. She settled down way too early. But hey, at least he gave her two cute kids right? I guess you can’t complain.

There is way too much cream cheese on the bagel. Is your bagel soggy too? Rose’s bagel is really mushy. I don’t know why people eat here. No matter how many times you tell them not to over-do-it on the cream cheese – what do they do? They load it up with cream cheese. You can’t even taste the lox. Which is the only reason
to eat here in the first place. That’s one thing I’ll say; they do have fresh lox. It’s hard to get that anymore. I’m taking this coffee back. It’s way too cold.

Apparently, Loretta’s son bought her an ipod. Her nephew, Stevie, was trying to teach her how to use it the other day. Touch this. Drag that. It’s all very overwhelming if you ask me. Then they have these things called applications. Stevie was taking pictures with this thing, and then making funny faces with it. He’s aborable. Loretta has a picture of him somewhere in her purse. I think she is still looking for it though.

Anyhow, she doesn’t get the ipod. I hope her son, Ned, won’t mind that she is taking it back. She’s not going to tell him. She’d feel too bad for him. You should’ve seen the excitement he had when he showed it her. She’ll just take the store credit and buy a tea kettle with it. I mean is that wrong? She just figured out how to use her VCR. How in God’s name is she going to figure out how to use an ipod? Does it play records? She has a beautiful record of Johnny Mathis that she hasn’t been able to play since Morty passed away. I wonder if Stevie knows how to convert vinyl to mp3. Maybe she should hold onto it for a little longer. She may get the hang of it.

So can you believe Jeffrey’s still out of a job? This economy is awful. Loretta was just saying how she didn’t vote for Obama. Everyone agrees – he was a bad choice for president. Not because he’s black. Well, he’s half black right? His mother was a white woman, correct? It’s the father though. He’s out of the picture completely. I think he lives somewhere in Africa or India. He’s Muslim you know? And you know all about those Muslims. Osama Bin Laden and such. They started this whole war in Iraq. Georgie told Rose that we may be going to war with some of those other Indian countries. I don’t know which ones. The Muslims ones I guess. Janette saw this poor woman the other day, draped with a black robe – head to toe. Honest to God. How can she wear that in this humidity? Their husbands make them wear that. If Harry made Janette wear that he’d be out the door. Who are we kidding? Harry wouldn’t even ask Janette to make the bed. He’s such a sweetheart. I wonder how he’s doing.

Rose really likes that bottle of sugar. Do you think they would know if she took one home? They have so many of them. They wouldn’t notice would they? It’s not like she doesn’t buy something there several times a week. It’s not stealing. It would go perfect on her kitchen table. She shouldn’t even ask if it’s OK. They would definitely give it to her if she asked. Yea, Rose just wrap it up in a bunch of napkins and stuff it in your purse. You’ve earned it. Although, you gals should probably leave after that. Actually, I think Wheel of Fortune is coming on soon too. Bye ladies.

“Thanks for the chair. You’re such a sweetheart.”

“My pleasure.”

“Are you single? I wish my granddaughter, Stephanie, would date someone more like you. She’s gorgeous. You’d love her.”

I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a coffee with her. At least see what she looks like.
“I’d love to meet her.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m working on a comedy book.”

“Well it was nice meeting you sweetie.”

Was I rejected by an old lady? Excuse me sir. I think that lady took off with some of your supplies. Check her purse.

No comments: